Well...the anniversary of our first miscarriage passed this week. Luckily my day at school was VERY busy with my kiddos. This really helped I wasn't able to really think about it. However, that evening we had a basketball game, my husband is an assisstant coach for our lady basketball team at our alma mater. This brought MANY memories and feelings flooding back. Since we had basketball games last year and it was pink night again, just like last year. I did good, I think. As I was driving home from the game I was listening to K-Love on the radio, and a song (can't remember which one) came on that talked about God giving you the strength to go on and be strong. I just fell apart because I know it's true, God is there, but it's so hard to be positive all the time. *sigh*
I got a phone call from the dr. office Friday saying I was scheduled for my yearly on Tuesday. I am glad it is - I don't go back to my doctor until March 16 to discuss what the neonatal specialist said, so I'm hoping we can discuss this at my yearly on Tuesday. Because honestly, I am ready to start trying now, and to wait until March 16 to find out what I need to do is just not going to be okay with me.
I have been following many posts of bloggers that are having infertility issues. I'm nervous to actually "follow" them, by adding them. But I'm sure here soon I will. I find it so amazing the friendships and support they have found through other bloggers with the same issues.
I have heard many times this week, with the anniverssary of our miscarriage, how strong and amazing I am. Too bad I don't feel that way. I feel like a swan on water. Above water the swan is so smooth and glides across the water, but below the water they are paddling like crazy. That is EXACTLY how I feel. On the outside I feel as though I have kept my composure pretty well, I place the smile on my face and go through the day to day routine. But on the inside I feel as though I'm wilting. I fight the pain and sadness, the anger and jealousy, so many emotions that I'm not used to feeling and I do NOT like feeling. *sigh* it will get better. I know it will. I will continue to pray that these inner feelings will pass.
On a happy note, my brother called on Friday and asked if J and I wanted to meet him for lunch today! It was great catching up with him! He is my baby brother and I love him dearly! He will graduate college this year and we have always had a very special and close relationship!
Hope all is well with you!
J
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Our Story
I was looking at some blogs today and it seemed like a great way to be truly honest with your feelings! I thought it was wonderful so I am going to give a go at it!
J and I met at college in 2004. We dated all through our college career. We got engaged on July 11, 2007 and we married June 28, 2008. We have one of the best relationships I could ever ask for. We have minimal arguments/disagreements and when we do we are quick to apologize and move on! We love adventure and life; we are strong Christians and are very giving people that love to help. J and I are truly in love and love life!
We planned on waiting 2 years from our wedding date to begin to try having babies. Well, to our surprise we found out we were pregnant in January 2009...It took us a week or so to become okay with this - but once we did we were elated!! We loved the thought of turning us two into three! We shared the news with our family and friends and were so excited! Shortly after sharing our news we lost our little bundle of joy. We were devastated... J was mostly concerned about me and wanted to make sure I was okay physically and emotionally - that was one of the hardest things he had to endure was to see my body go through what it went through.
After this I was ready to try right away. I had fallen in love with the thought of having a baby and I wanted to be three now! I placed it into God's hands, tried to be as patient and trusting as possible while I waited to be pregnant again. We found out August 4th that we were pregnant with our second baby! Once again we were excited....yet cautious. Our excitement only lasted a week this time - we lost baby number 2 very early on. As frustrating as it was it was a little easier emotionally and physically. I underwent many many tests after this loss and we found out I had a blood clotting disorder -- which was easily treated with medication!
We found out January 1, 2010 we were now pregnant with baby number 3!!! We were very hopeful with all the medication and caution we were taking we were sure this was going to be the baby we got to hold in our arms!! We knew we were going to wait until week 12 to tell the fam due to the past two. Well, we did not make it to week 12 we again lost our baby. This one there was more anger than any other emotion!!
We went to a specialist, don't really know much right now. But are hopeful that pregnancy number 4 will be the magical one!
The reason I needed to share all of this was because I feel people forget. They forget or feel it is "unimportant" because I never actually had the babies. But they were so apart of me as anything else! And I just need to share the roller coaster of life that I am on. I know it's hard for my husband to talk about it with me, I know it makes my family feel a little awkward -- mainly because they are unsure of what to say; and obviously don't want to say the wrong thing. So my outlet is going to be this post, even if no one reads it! :)
As for now, God Bless!
J
J and I met at college in 2004. We dated all through our college career. We got engaged on July 11, 2007 and we married June 28, 2008. We have one of the best relationships I could ever ask for. We have minimal arguments/disagreements and when we do we are quick to apologize and move on! We love adventure and life; we are strong Christians and are very giving people that love to help. J and I are truly in love and love life!
We planned on waiting 2 years from our wedding date to begin to try having babies. Well, to our surprise we found out we were pregnant in January 2009...It took us a week or so to become okay with this - but once we did we were elated!! We loved the thought of turning us two into three! We shared the news with our family and friends and were so excited! Shortly after sharing our news we lost our little bundle of joy. We were devastated... J was mostly concerned about me and wanted to make sure I was okay physically and emotionally - that was one of the hardest things he had to endure was to see my body go through what it went through.
After this I was ready to try right away. I had fallen in love with the thought of having a baby and I wanted to be three now! I placed it into God's hands, tried to be as patient and trusting as possible while I waited to be pregnant again. We found out August 4th that we were pregnant with our second baby! Once again we were excited....yet cautious. Our excitement only lasted a week this time - we lost baby number 2 very early on. As frustrating as it was it was a little easier emotionally and physically. I underwent many many tests after this loss and we found out I had a blood clotting disorder -- which was easily treated with medication!
We found out January 1, 2010 we were now pregnant with baby number 3!!! We were very hopeful with all the medication and caution we were taking we were sure this was going to be the baby we got to hold in our arms!! We knew we were going to wait until week 12 to tell the fam due to the past two. Well, we did not make it to week 12 we again lost our baby. This one there was more anger than any other emotion!!
We went to a specialist, don't really know much right now. But are hopeful that pregnancy number 4 will be the magical one!
The reason I needed to share all of this was because I feel people forget. They forget or feel it is "unimportant" because I never actually had the babies. But they were so apart of me as anything else! And I just need to share the roller coaster of life that I am on. I know it's hard for my husband to talk about it with me, I know it makes my family feel a little awkward -- mainly because they are unsure of what to say; and obviously don't want to say the wrong thing. So my outlet is going to be this post, even if no one reads it! :)
As for now, God Bless!
J
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