This has been a tough weekend for me. No specific reason - just tough. I guess if anything my second baby was due in April and maybe that is what has sparked my feelings?
It's just been tough. I see a baby and I want one so bad my heart aches. I had a friend post some pics of her little girl on Facebook and one of the captions was "I love her so much words cannot express" and my heart ached because I want that SO BAD! SO BAD! Then at church this morning there was like a six year old girl in front of J and I and she came up near our pew and sat on the stairs and was drawing and I just thought to myself - I hope some day I get to have a girl that age. You know?
UGH! It's just been a tough weekend --- a very tough weekend for me. I think right around now is always tough for me because I know this is the time to concieve according to timelines - and then I haave to wait two weeks before knowing if we are pregnant. And it just is a nerve racing time for me. On top of it - I know obsessing over it and the nerves do NOT help me get pregnant if anything they prevent it! So I need to CHILL out! :)
Staying busy has been the key to my weekend. I was bored yesterday so I started going through boxes which are in what we call our nursery. It is a room that is still completely filled with junk and boxes since our Sept move. But I am happy to say that it is looking better! I got quite a bit cleared out - but now other parts of our house need organizing! lol!
Well, I guess I need to go grade some papers. Life of a teacher always have work to do!! I guess I need to count how many more days until summer!! :)
J
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Spring is SO Wonderful
So today it was cloudy and rainy...which I don't mind if it doesn't beome too much of a regular thing! But yesterday it was SO beautiful outside!
J and I went out to eat on a date then we came home and went for a walk around our neighborhood. We hadn't done this since we moved in at the end of September. It was wonderful to walk all around! Then we came home and walked around our house deciding what exciting things we wanted to do to our yard this summer! Overall it was just a wonderful time being with J and enjoying life as it is.
You know as I say that this is what life was supposed to be at this point. I said I wanted to be married two years before having a baby. Well, we will come across our 2nd anniversary at the end of June. So in all reality this knowledge of not being able to have a baby and this desire and want and feelingness of something missing shouldn't be. I shouldn't feel like there is something missing. Because this is where I saw myself at this point in my life.
But when we were surprised in January 09 we began to have that feeling of three not two and ever since then I can't shake that feeling. There should be THREE of us here not two. Instead there is two here and three in heaven....THREE. I still am shocked when I realize how many times I have been pregnant in the past year and it is still just J and I.
BUT if I have to find the positive in this I will say God surprised us in January 09 because he knew it would take medical intervention to give us a family. So he wanted us to already be aware of that before we got to our 2nd anniversary and then had to wait longer. Does that make sense? Hopefully with being surprised so early -- and then realizing that we cannot have a baby without medical help (we don't even know if medical help will grant us our family yet) will help us out in the long run. Maybe this next time we'll get pregnant around our 2nd anniversary (or before :) ) and this time everything will be healthy and good and we'll get our rainbow baby!
I found some more blogs of women who are going through the same struggles I am. I find so much comfort in reading their words and knowing I'm not alone. That's the thing people do not talk about miscarriage. It's like a big hush thing and therefore I really feel isolated at times! So reading others blogs REALLY helps. Also, reading those who have struggled with loss and have gone on to have their rainbow babies really encourages me!
Okay, enough of that talk.
This spring my momma is going to come visit and help me plant some pretty, pretty flowers around our yard to help it look more homey! Our yard needs some serious loving to help it look good! And I cannot wait to start making it look pretty and happy!! :)
I've heard rumors it's supposed to be cold this weekend! I am really hoping it's not because I am ready for permanent spring weather!!! :)
I hope you can get out and enjoy it!!
LOVE
----J----
J and I went out to eat on a date then we came home and went for a walk around our neighborhood. We hadn't done this since we moved in at the end of September. It was wonderful to walk all around! Then we came home and walked around our house deciding what exciting things we wanted to do to our yard this summer! Overall it was just a wonderful time being with J and enjoying life as it is.
You know as I say that this is what life was supposed to be at this point. I said I wanted to be married two years before having a baby. Well, we will come across our 2nd anniversary at the end of June. So in all reality this knowledge of not being able to have a baby and this desire and want and feelingness of something missing shouldn't be. I shouldn't feel like there is something missing. Because this is where I saw myself at this point in my life.
But when we were surprised in January 09 we began to have that feeling of three not two and ever since then I can't shake that feeling. There should be THREE of us here not two. Instead there is two here and three in heaven....THREE. I still am shocked when I realize how many times I have been pregnant in the past year and it is still just J and I.
BUT if I have to find the positive in this I will say God surprised us in January 09 because he knew it would take medical intervention to give us a family. So he wanted us to already be aware of that before we got to our 2nd anniversary and then had to wait longer. Does that make sense? Hopefully with being surprised so early -- and then realizing that we cannot have a baby without medical help (we don't even know if medical help will grant us our family yet) will help us out in the long run. Maybe this next time we'll get pregnant around our 2nd anniversary (or before :) ) and this time everything will be healthy and good and we'll get our rainbow baby!
I found some more blogs of women who are going through the same struggles I am. I find so much comfort in reading their words and knowing I'm not alone. That's the thing people do not talk about miscarriage. It's like a big hush thing and therefore I really feel isolated at times! So reading others blogs REALLY helps. Also, reading those who have struggled with loss and have gone on to have their rainbow babies really encourages me!
Okay, enough of that talk.
This spring my momma is going to come visit and help me plant some pretty, pretty flowers around our yard to help it look more homey! Our yard needs some serious loving to help it look good! And I cannot wait to start making it look pretty and happy!! :)
I've heard rumors it's supposed to be cold this weekend! I am really hoping it's not because I am ready for permanent spring weather!!! :)
I hope you can get out and enjoy it!!
LOVE
----J----
Friday, March 12, 2010
Sigh
Today was a joyous day; I just wish I could have felt the pure joy...you know?
My co-worker became a Grandma today! Which is so exciting! And it is! And I am so excited for her! But I also wish I was pregnant! You know? Baby K (co-worker's grandson) is absolutely adorable; and I'm glad that I can focus on the happy part of life to be excited for her! :)
Which I tell you the only reason I have the strength to be able to still be happy for those I love is because of God. He gives me the strength to still love being around my niece and Goddaughter. To be excited for a co-worker when she gets to have the joy of a grandbaby. Without Him I know I would fall to the awful feelings of jealousy. Because I'm not going to lie those feelings come at times and I think that's why I'm writing today is because I felt those feelings creeping more today than usual. But thanksto God I am able to rationalize quickly and stop those ugly feelings!
But I will tell you I want a baby so badly! I am for sure ready. I took a pregnancy test today. It was negative. I MIGHT still be a day or two too early to test - but I doubt it; I'm sure I'm not yet. Which is really okay - I know it will happen eventually I just need to be patient. This month though I'm going to start charting. See if that helps us conceive.
I'm so ready to make us a family of three instead of two it's not even funny!
I have a friend who is complaining about morning sickness and saying how much her pregnancy sucks...blahblahblah. It takes all my nerves to not tell her to just be happy she's pregnant!!! I have another friend who yes, she has morning sickness and it of course bothers her but she is still thankful for the pregnancy!
The problem is that this "easy" thing: getting pregnant and having a baby - is just not so easy for everyone! I know those who have never had to experience it don't understand but I just can barely hold myself together some days! And then when a person complains about being pregnant I really have to use all my strength not to lose it! :)
OR some parents treat their children AWFUL! AWFUL! I get VERY mad that they were able to have children and here I am, unable to at the moment. You know? I know I won't be a perfect mother by any means - but come on! I'm not going to tell my child to f*** Off! *SIGH*
My rant needs to be over for the time being. As I've said in previous posts I am writing to have a blog of what I have had to go through. Eventually I will share the link with my family and friends. But I think this blog is really to help me. I have always been one that needs to journal out my emotions and I feel this is a great way to do it!
J
My co-worker became a Grandma today! Which is so exciting! And it is! And I am so excited for her! But I also wish I was pregnant! You know? Baby K (co-worker's grandson) is absolutely adorable; and I'm glad that I can focus on the happy part of life to be excited for her! :)
Which I tell you the only reason I have the strength to be able to still be happy for those I love is because of God. He gives me the strength to still love being around my niece and Goddaughter. To be excited for a co-worker when she gets to have the joy of a grandbaby. Without Him I know I would fall to the awful feelings of jealousy. Because I'm not going to lie those feelings come at times and I think that's why I'm writing today is because I felt those feelings creeping more today than usual. But thanksto God I am able to rationalize quickly and stop those ugly feelings!
But I will tell you I want a baby so badly! I am for sure ready. I took a pregnancy test today. It was negative. I MIGHT still be a day or two too early to test - but I doubt it; I'm sure I'm not yet. Which is really okay - I know it will happen eventually I just need to be patient. This month though I'm going to start charting. See if that helps us conceive.
I'm so ready to make us a family of three instead of two it's not even funny!
I have a friend who is complaining about morning sickness and saying how much her pregnancy sucks...blahblahblah. It takes all my nerves to not tell her to just be happy she's pregnant!!! I have another friend who yes, she has morning sickness and it of course bothers her but she is still thankful for the pregnancy!
The problem is that this "easy" thing: getting pregnant and having a baby - is just not so easy for everyone! I know those who have never had to experience it don't understand but I just can barely hold myself together some days! And then when a person complains about being pregnant I really have to use all my strength not to lose it! :)
OR some parents treat their children AWFUL! AWFUL! I get VERY mad that they were able to have children and here I am, unable to at the moment. You know? I know I won't be a perfect mother by any means - but come on! I'm not going to tell my child to f*** Off! *SIGH*
My rant needs to be over for the time being. As I've said in previous posts I am writing to have a blog of what I have had to go through. Eventually I will share the link with my family and friends. But I think this blog is really to help me. I have always been one that needs to journal out my emotions and I feel this is a great way to do it!
J
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Doctor called
Well, I went to the doctor on February 25th for a follow-up. Everything seemed back to normal. She went over the Neonatal specialists report and initally said that he didn't report anything. So I brought up the fact that he talked about blood thinners with me. This made her go back over the report. So we created two plans. Plan 1. I would look into getting an HCG. We needed to check with insurance first and see if we could afford it (for those family members who dont' know - HCG is where they check and make sure my uterus is shaped correctly). 2. I needed to get my blood drawn to check my antibodies? There's a really long name for it hemoglobinlakancidlakdhaldk-something. I don't really know what it's called. But we got my blood drawn and if it came back abnormal then I was going to have my blood drawn in 3 months - if it's abnormal AGAIN then I would go on a shot (lupernol - or something like that) the minute I got pregnant again. SO those were the plans.
Well, Dr. C called me on Thursday and told me that my blood work came back VERY low - which means that in 3 months it would still be low. So we are skipping the waiting 3 months and when we get pregnant I will take daily shots of lupernol (I know it starts with an L) and hopefully that will help!
I am very excited to have a new plan - at the same time I am nervous because after the 2nd miscarriage we had an "answer" and a plan; which obviously didn't work. So I am placing my trust and hope in God that this plan will be His plan and therefore will work! But only time will tell.
I will tell you that next time we get pregnant NO ONE will get to know until week 12. Luckily no family members read this yet. I'm more making it a journal they can look back on if they choose someday. :) I know it seems odd but I feel happiness being able to do this!
Well, Until Next Time!
~J
Well, Dr. C called me on Thursday and told me that my blood work came back VERY low - which means that in 3 months it would still be low. So we are skipping the waiting 3 months and when we get pregnant I will take daily shots of lupernol (I know it starts with an L) and hopefully that will help!
I am very excited to have a new plan - at the same time I am nervous because after the 2nd miscarriage we had an "answer" and a plan; which obviously didn't work. So I am placing my trust and hope in God that this plan will be His plan and therefore will work! But only time will tell.
I will tell you that next time we get pregnant NO ONE will get to know until week 12. Luckily no family members read this yet. I'm more making it a journal they can look back on if they choose someday. :) I know it seems odd but I feel happiness being able to do this!
Well, Until Next Time!
~J
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