Sigh

Today was a joyous day; I just wish I could have felt the pure joy...you know?

My co-worker became a Grandma today! Which is so exciting! And it is! And I am so excited for her! But I also wish I was pregnant! You know? Baby K (co-worker's grandson) is absolutely adorable; and I'm glad that I can focus on the happy part of life to be excited for her! :)

Which I tell you the only reason I have the strength to be able to still be happy for those I love is because of God. He gives me the strength to still love being around my niece and Goddaughter. To be excited for a co-worker when she gets to have the joy of a grandbaby. Without Him I know I would fall to the awful feelings of jealousy. Because I'm not going to lie those feelings come at times and I think that's why I'm writing today is because I felt those feelings creeping more today than usual. But thanksto God I am able to rationalize quickly and stop those ugly feelings!

But I will tell you I want a baby so badly! I am for sure ready. I took a pregnancy test today. It was negative. I MIGHT still be a day or two too early to test - but I doubt it; I'm sure I'm not yet. Which is really okay - I know it will happen eventually I just need to be patient. This month though I'm going to start charting. See if that helps us conceive.

I'm so ready to make us a family of three instead of two it's not even funny!

I have a friend who is complaining about morning sickness and saying how much her pregnancy sucks...blahblahblah. It takes all my nerves to not tell her to just be happy she's pregnant!!! I have another friend who yes, she has morning sickness and it of course bothers her but she is still thankful for the pregnancy!

The problem is that this "easy" thing: getting pregnant and having a baby - is just not so easy for everyone! I know those who have never had to experience it don't understand but I just can barely hold myself together some days! And then when a person complains about being pregnant I really have to use all my strength not to lose it! :)

OR some parents treat their children AWFUL! AWFUL! I get VERY mad that they were able to have children and here I am, unable to at the moment. You know? I know I won't be a perfect mother by any means - but come on! I'm not going to tell my child to f*** Off! *SIGH*

My rant needs to be over for the time being. As I've said in previous posts I am writing to have a blog of what I have had to go through. Eventually I will share the link with my family and friends. But I think this blog is really to help me. I have always been one that needs to journal out my emotions and I feel this is a great way to do it!

J